I'm Not Always Passive

I was going to write a blog post about how Kismet has been doing to date in our house and at school but there's just been something else that's been burning in my mind for the last few days that I want to get out of my system. And that is how much I want to kick the ass of Kismet's bio mom.

I can sorta deal with the fact that this woman chose drugs over her daughter. I mean, I've never used drugs, never been addicted, but I get the fact that the road to recovery is extremely difficult, particularly if you don't have a good support system in place. I get how hard it can be for some people to make the right choice, to get the help they need to clean up. But when you choose to walk out of rehab rather than stay and get clean when it's your last chance to get your child back, I can't deal with what that does to your child. You have just told your child that they don't mean that much to you. There's probably little more you could have done to destroy their self-esteem and you leave it up to someone else, a total stranger, to try to help your child pick up the pieces of their life.

But that's not all. Kismet put pictures of her bio mom up on the walls of her bedroom. I know that she still loves her mom. I also know that she still has a lot of anger towards her mom as well. She told me that her mom used to hit her and, while she hasn't said as much, we suspect her mom used to call her stupid, because she's very sensitive to that word. And her mom lied to her about some stuff that totally hurt Kismet's feelings. And totally flaked out on her when she was supposed to visit her.

Then, because Brad is like uber-virtual-stalker and wants to know where Kismet's family are and what they are doing, he discovered the bio mom's Facebook page. On it, bio mom has posted pictures of Kismet. And she says stuff under the pictures like, "Me and Kismet forever." Umm... no, you stupid cow, you gave up the right to have her forever when you walked out of rehab and went back to drugs. And she has Kismet's name tattooed on her leg. She lost her parental rights two years ago. It's a new tattoo. And she posts a picture of Kismet and says, "Kismet's happy face. I love her smile, she's so pretty." Okay, I get that maybe she misses her daughter. And maybe she's sober enough to realize that she fucked up badly in her child's life. Maybe. Or maybe she just wants her friends to think that her daughter is still an important part of her life. I don't know.

What I do know is that she did fuck up badly in her daughter's life. So badly that Kismet had to spend a year in the mental hospital in the kids wing. Yeah, that bad! And the mom was still "involved" at that point in Kismet's life. But did she straighten herself out, get sober, once she realized that her actions put her daughter in the mental hospital? NO! SHE DID NOT! And that, my friends, is what burns my butt more than anything else. Kismet has pictures of her and her mother on the wall taken at the hospital. And it makes me furious. Not that Kismet has the pictures of her mom on the wall. Much as it bugs me because I'm the one putting Kismet to bed at night, tucking her in, giving her kisses and staying in her room until she falls asleep because she's scared and Brad is the one who gets up with her in the middle of the night when she has nightmares, and she has a lot of them, and he gets her ready to go to school in the morning and picks her up from school when she's had a bad day. In spite of all that, I do understand why she has the pictures up.

No, I'm furious that this woman just DID NOT CARE about her own child. I know it happens, it's why a lot of kids are in foster care and why a lot of kids are up for adoption. But the fact that this woman is still posting pictures on Facebook and acting as if she loves her daughter so when she had a chance to make it all right just makes me want to punch her in the face. And so help me god, if I ever see her, I'm gonna do it.

Eight is way more than enough, thank you!

So this past weekend, I had eight, count 'em, 8 freakin' people in my house! I'm still not sure what drugs I was on when I decided this was a good idea. Actually, I don't know that I ever thought it was a "good" idea but it didn't occur to me for some strangely bizarre reason that it might overwhelm me.

Now, if you knew anything about me, right about now, you'd be smacking me upside the head. See, I don't do large groups of people. And to me? Eight is a large group. When I'm in a group of more than 3 or 4 people, I tend to go into overload mode. I get this huge mental block and I'm completely incapable of processing what's going on around me. I just kinda sit there while information passes around me like flies in the air and it's a small miracle that I'm not drooling the entire time.

If I spend too much time in a large group, I started to get agitated and antsy, I totally go into fight-or-flight, and as it's really inappropriate to punch family members or neighbors when you, or they, are not drunk, I usually fly. Not that I would punch family members, mind you. Well.... there's one I'd like to punch... but I'm kinda getting off the topic.

So. You're asking, what the hell was I thinking having 8 people in my house? And I'll tell you what I was thinking. My dad, who is 80, lives in Delaware, and hasn't come out this way in ages, was coming out for a visit. He didn't know exactly when he would be here. Moon Unit, Dweezil, and Frank haven't seen him in years. I think Frank, who is now 11, last saw my dad when he was maybe 1 or 2? So yeah, a long time. And of course, the kids all needed to see their grandpa coz honestly? Who knows when or if they'll see him again.

I knew the chances were good that my dad would show up the same weekend Kismet was moving in. And there was this part of me, a totally psychotic part of me that should have its mouth sewn shut and its hands duct taped to its feet and dunked into a vat of quick-drying cement so as never to have any sort of influence on my thoughts and decisions ever again, that thought it would actually be a good idea, since I have limited time off to use in a year and it would be good to get it all done at one time.

Umm... yeah. So Brad picks up Kismet and brings here home. Then my dad and step-mom show up. And then we go pick up the boys. And Dweezil had fallen off a friend's skate board and injured his wrist. So right after I pick them up and drop Frank off at the house, I run off with Dweezil to the urgent care to get his wrist x-rayed. And we get back and everyone's kinda running around and things seem a bit hectic but I think, "It'll be okay."

And it wasn't. Because I totally went into brain lock the next day. And I couldn't think of a single thing to do with 8 people. I blame Utah for being such a boring state and I'm totally not going to take that back, but it was probably partly me, too. But mostly Utah. And I just. Couldn't. Think. And so? We didn't really do anything.

And then Sunday rolled around and there was more of the same. No thoughts in my head of what to do. And so again, we did nothing. And the whole while, I'm feeling totally stressed out by it. I'm a terrible host. Why can't I think of anything to do with my family? Why can't I take my folks out and show them around? I mean they've been here before and they've seen most of it but still. There's just nothing. I can't think of anything. And I feel like the scum of the earth coz we're just hanging out at the house.

My dad then tells me that they are intending to head out early in the morning so that they can get a jump on things and do some sight-seeing along the way. And there's this horrible other part of me that's breathing a sigh of relief. And also thinking that he's probably bored out of his mind at my house and I'm a lousy host. Because I am.

Monday morning rolls around, Kismet goes off to school in the kind of God-forsaken, early morning hours that only farmers and graveyard shifters getting off work should see. And my folks go at the same time. And me? I sleep through it all while Brad sees off Kismet and my folks. And I kinda feel guilty. But when I get up? I feel sooo much better that the house is empty.

I am never having a houseful again. And if you hear me saying I'm going to do that? Feel free to whack me upside the head with the nearest blunt object you can find.

Preparations

So... I know I should have been updating what's been going on with training. It just seems like there's been so much that's happened lately and it's left my head spinning. Here is my effort to nutshell the last 3 weeks as much as possible.

1. We had another weekend with Kismet and the boys together. This time, Kismet spent more time with Dweezil and they seemed to do very well together. It's good to see that these kids are getting along well, although I think Kismet's energy level was too high even for Frank. It'll take time for them to get used to each other.

2. We got through most of the training, although there was a little bit that we missed. Overall, I like the way the program works. The kids are on a point system and they earn positive points for good behavior and negative points for poor behavior. They "earn" the negative points so that it puts their behavior back on them. However for each time they earn negative points, they have an opportunity to earn back half of the points they lost by doing a role-play of how they should have acted instead. So even when there's a negative consequence for their actions, it's still turned into a positive thing. Their points are used for privileges, as they have a certain point level for basic privileges and then can earn more privileges based on the number of points they've earned. It's a pretty nice little system that works for the majority of the kids they use it on.

3. Kismet is NOT one of the kids this works on. We are meeting with our consultant tonight to go over a different treatment program for what we hope will work for Kismet.

4. We discovered that it did not work well for Kismet last week when we went to take her back to the group home after a visit with us and she refused to go, thereby causing us to miss one of our training sessions. It was very frustrating for us because we felt like our hands were tied when it came to things we could do to get her to agree to leave with us. She yelled, slammed a few doors and tore up a padded envelope but overall, was much more respectful of our belongings than she's been in the group home. We finally convinced her to go back to the home after we tapped into her emotions but it's not something I want to be doing regularly.

5. Two days later, she got into trouble at school, was taken to detention where she hit a few people, and was told she could stay in detention or go back to the group home. She chose to stay in detention so that's where she spent the weekend. We picked her up on Monday evening (the team wanted us to pick her up so we could experience one of her melt-downs first hand) and we believe she was all geared up for dealing with someone else and finding us there waiting for her threw her off-guard. She paced back and forth for a bit, we think she was trying to process the change, told us that she liked being in detention and she chose to be there because she wanted to see what it was like, then decided she was ready to leave, all without incident. We think that what she told us was something she'd rehearsed saying to someone else and since she was thrown off-guard, she said it anyway. When we got her back to the group home, she told her roommate that detention was horrible.

6. Also on Monday, we'd had a team meeting that included the head of the group homes. To put it simply, he was an offensive asshat who told us we were woefully unprepared for Kismet, that we were likely to be like other parents who promised to do certain things with kids they'd taken then didn't and bailed on the kids, and that Kismet needed to go back to hospital. I think everyone was stunned by his words and he pissed me of that he said those things to us. That's just not the kind of things you say to people, even if you think it. Certainly better ways he could have phrased things. We're moving on in spite of his concerns (like he'd be able to stop us) and I look forward to the opportunity to prove him wrong. I don't expect things will be simple with Kismet but we are committed to making this work and I hope for an opportunity in the future to gloat over it to his face.

Kismet moves in tomorrow. I haven't fully absorbed this yet. I'm pretty sure she hasn't, either. Sorry, not much of a nutshell. More later.

Dealing with Disappointment

Yesterday, we spent some time with Kismet again. She was pretty obsessed with Brad's iPhone, to the point of not interacting much with us, at least during dinner. We then tried to find something interesting to do in the short period of time we were able to keep her but a good number of stores in the valley close at 6 p.m. on Sundays and since she didn't get out of church until 4:30 and we had dinner first, we were pretty limited in our options.

We did, however, get to take her into Best Buy. Oddly enough, she really wanted to go in there and she bounced around from item to item, going about 500 miles an hour. It's funny, Moon Unit also had ADHD as a young child but she is now 19 and has outgrown most of it. I'd forgotten how exhausting these kids can be. Even just watching them is tiring.

We took her back home and the other girls who are in care in the group home were there. Kismet gave a quick round of hugs and then just turned her back on us. So we left and it took a little while pondering on the situation to realize she was probably playing it cool and non-chalant in front of the other girls.

Later in the evening, Brad tried to give her a call to say goodnight but discovered that, just like the last time we took her out, she had another melt-down after dropping her off. After talking with her foster father for a bit, we discovered that the reason Kismet keeps having these melt-downs is because over the years, so many people have failed her. Her mother used to tell her she'd get clean and take her home but she never did. Or she was supposed to come visit but then wouldn't. And her group home parents would come and go, so it was hard to attach to anyone because it seemed, to her, like they always left her. So in her mind, when we took her back home after visiting with her, we would not be back. That makes her melt-downs perfectly understandable.

How sad is it that at such a tender young age, a child can already come to understand that adults are not always true to their word? How sad is it that this poor child has had so much disappointment with the people in her life that she wanted to be close to and wanted to love her that she has a hard time trusting us and believing we will be back?

I don't know if there's any way for us to be able to reassure her now that we will be back but Brad did tell her last night when she was allowed to call us back that we would always be there for her. I don't know if she believes it. We will see her again hopefully on Wednesday and then I'm out of town for 5 days. I worry that she will think I won't be back but Brad will be out to see her while I'm gone.

I guess this will work itself out in time, that eventually she will come to realize that we are always going to be there for her. Hopefully, she will start to understand that we will not abandon her, and some day, she will get over the disappointment she has experienced with those who she felt failed her in her life. Hopefully, she will learn to trust again.

Meeting Our Destiny

So we met Kismet last night. It was pretty darned cool. We met at Red Robin, which is one of her favorite places to eat. She came with her caseworker and her CASA (court appointed special advocate, which is a volunteer who is appointed by court to, well, advocate for abused and neglected children in the foster care system, see more). Her CASA had a big binder full of pictures of Kismet from their different activities and adventures together, which we had a chance to browse through rather quickly while waiting for Kismet and her caseworker. It was fun to see the different pictures and things she likes to do.

Kismet walked in and looked at us and looked all serious for a moment. Then she instantly started to dig into her bag to get some stuff out for us but we were lead off to our table. She wanted to sit between me and Brad. She then handed us some pictures that she colored for us and she gave us some bracelets that she made for us, with our names spelled out in beads. She hands Brad's to him and says, "I know your name has an R in it but I didn't have one [me instantly thinking the bracelet she made said "Bad"] so I put a green bead in there instead." So cute!

She was very chatty and a bit giddy and Brad and I were both so charmed by her and I have little recollection of most of the dinner experience, just sitting and absorbing her. She did ask us almost immediately if it was okay to call us mom and dad, which of course we said it was, and so she did. When her CASA was leaving, she decided to walk out with her, having conversed with her caseworker in whispers first, then as she was walking past me, she leaned over and whispered, "I'm going out because I'm gassy." That made me chuckle.

She was enthralled by the fact that Brad has an iPhone and wanted us to give her a ride back to her house after dinner. She asked to ride in the passenger seat and so she played with Brad's phone all the way back to her house. Brad asked her what her favorite color was and she said blue. Then he asked her, "Paper or plastic?" She looked at him and said, "That's a dumb question." And we laughed some more. Then she asked us if we swore, to which we replied that yes, sometimes we swear but not at other people. She had seen something on Brad's phone with the "S-word" on it and he told her that she would have to keep him in line with his swearing, to which she replied, "Yes, I can see that." As I'm laughing, I'm thinking, "This kid is a good match for our family!"

We get to her house and we go inside with her while she drops stuff off and then she comes back out and says, "I don't want you guys to leave," and throws herself at Brad, giving him the longest hug ever. I was a little worried with how long the hug was that she might be getting ready to have a melt-down but she didn't. Then she finally let go of him and hugged me for a little bit then went back to hug Brad again. She's really taken to Brad, although I console myself with this by saying that it's only coz he had an iPhone. I'm not jealous that she likes Brad better. (Okay, maybe I am a little bit.)

She also asked us if she could spend the weekend with us and we had to tell her not yet but that we would see her again this weekend. Brad called over to her house today and was told by the foster parents that she had a bit of a melt-down today because she wanted to be with us. I guess nothing says, "I like you guys and want to be with you," by having a melt-down at school. :-) But I think everyone rather expected something like that to happen.

We will see her again this weekend and we are looking forward to it. We have another month-plus before she gets to come home with us. Seems like a long time.

Moving Right Along

Last I wrote about Kismet, we were still waiting to hear something, anything, about training for her needs. The following week, we heard back from the caseworker, who said that the current group home parents where Kismet was living would be leaving in October. Since Kismet doesn't do well with changes, the caseworker was thinking that instead of her having to adjust to new foster parents and then turning around and moving in with us and having to adjust again a short time later that maybe it was a good idea for Kismet to move in with us in October. Well, of course we were all over that idea! Two months earlier than we'd expected? Hell yeah!

We finally got to meet with Kismet's caseworker this past Monday, along with her foster father, her therapist, a woman who I think was supposed to be the head of the group homes and also a former foster mother to Kismet, and a court-appointed volunteer who spends time with kids. We talked a bit about some of the things Kismet is currently going through, how she's struggling with the idea of the current foster parents leaving (they are having a baby in October, which is why they are leaving), some of the things we might expect from her and how we might deal with some of the behavioral issues that might come up. Then we were told we were looking at a two-week training period and some "shadowing" at the group home. I'm not sure what the shadowing would entail but I guess it's just seeing how things work in the group home.

We were then told that since she would be moving in with us in October, which previously had been presented to us as an option but is now an actuality, we could meet her this week. This week! OMG! After all this waiting and waiting and thinking that we wouldn't get her until December and wouldn't even meet her for months, everything has been ramped up and we will get to meet her this week!

The caseworker then told Kismet the next day that she was going to be adopted. We had made a little light-hearted booklet for Kismet as a way of introducing the family so that she would know some things about us. She was given this booklet and was apparently so excited, she was giggling and squealing and had to go run around the yard to burn off some of that excitement. We were thrilled that she was so excited. Who would have guessed anyone could be that excited about living with us?

So we are on for meeting Kismet tomorrow night. I think the plans are to see her again some time in the next week. Then I will be leaving for Orlando for 5 days and when I get back, we will start our training.

This is so exciting, I almost feel like squealing and giggling myself!

Anticipation is Keeping Me Waiting

Anticipation, anticipation
Is makin' me late
Is keepin' me waitin'.

I have that Carly Simon song stuck in my head. Is it stuck in yours now, too? Oh good. I'm just that kind of generous.

So we're still playing the waiting game on training so we can bring K, now to be known as Kismet, since it seems the most appropriate, home eventually. They told us we'd start training in August because we would be training with the group home foster parents that she lives with (I think that's who is training us, anyway) and everyone was on vacation in July. Okay, well, today is July 30th. The second-to-last day of the month. And has anyone scheduled training for us yet? With August being just 2 days away? No, of course not! Surely, since it's the second-to-last day of the month, people are home from their vacations now, right? Or is it that since it's a Friday, maybe no one's home from their vacations until Sunday. How selfish!

We can never know about the days to come
But we think about them anyway...

I mean, really. Is it so much to ask to be scheduled for training? Am I being unreasonably impatient? We've only been at this whole process since January. And since the whole training process might take us several months to complete, thereby making it quite possibly near December before we can even meet Kismet for the first time, let alone bring her home, am I being unreasonably impatient? I'm ready to get this ball rolling, already. Let's git 'er done!

I'm not exactly famous for being patient. Oh, I know. You read my posts and you think, "Gosh, you've got to be the most patient person on the planet! Look at the people you live with!" And of course, you would be right to think that. But I have been bashed for not being patient. By people who don't know the meaning of the word! But the old saying that absence makes the heart grow fonder? Not always true. Sometimes absence makes the heart wander. Not that I'm saying I'm not anxious to bring Kismet home by any stretch of the imagination. No no no! I'm just, ya know, having a hard time maintaining that same level of enthusiasm. Like knowing you're going to take a long vacation in Europe in a year. It's hard to be excited now, even though it's a great thing to look forward to. But you got a lot of preparations to make in the meantime and can only get excited as you get closer. That's like what this wait is doing to me.

And tomorrow we might not be together
I'm no prophet, I don't know natures way
So I'll try to see into your eyes right now...

I want to meet her. I want to get to know her. I want to bring her home and have her be a part of our family. When we're all joking together and laughing our fool heads off about something or other, I think of her and I think, "She's going to love this family." Coz we're cool that way. No, we're not cool like hipsters or gangsters or trendy rich people. We're nerd-cool. We're dork-cool. Maybe you don't think that's cool but I do. Probably coz I am a dork. But that's okay, coz we're still damn fun. And I want to share that fun with Kismet. She's had such a rough life, she deserves to have fun with a family who will love her. She deserves happiness, joy, laughter, and good times. I want to give that to her.

Anticipation, anticipation
Is makin' me late
Is keepin' me waitin'.

So yeah, I may be impatient but I think it's for a very good reason. I want her to be able to be with us and think:

..these are the good old days.

Being a Family

It's been 8 years since my ex and I split up. Life has gotten better over time and now that I'm with Brad, I have discovered real happiness. Probably the first time in my life, I'm happy because Brad and I have a solid relationship. But if I have any regrets at all, it's the decision I made to leave the boys with my ex.

My life with my husband, the life I thought I wanted and had worked so hard to have, was unraveling. I was in a pretty deep depression when we split up. I thought about what I should do about the kids but I felt incapable of properly caring for my children emotionally. I know that leaving the kids with their dad was the right decision at that time in my life. It was only a year or so after I left before Moon Unit was living with me again, but that doesn't mean that I don't regret that decision every single day of my life.

They were at our house most of last week and while they were doing a lot of bickering and fussing and hitting each other, there's something about having them here longer than a weekend that makes me feel like a parent again. By that, I don't mean that I haven't felt like a parent to Moon Unit, although she hasn't responded well over the years to being parented. But having us all together, the boys, Moon Unit, Brad, and me, I feel like we're a family. I feel like we're more of a family when we're all together. To me, this is what I think a family should feel like.

We played some board games a few nights in a row. We even got Moon Unit involved, and it's a lot more fun when she is involved because she is clever and has a wicked sense of humor. Brad is too cool for board games, though, so he wasn't playing. We play Wacky Words and Imaginiff, which are hilarious games. Some of the stuff we come up with for Wacky Words has us laughing for days, and even weeks, on end. We also painted the hallway, went out for pizza for Dweezil's birthday, and went to see Toy Story 3 together.

I started to wonder last night what kind of parent I was when I let Moon Unit play Grand Theft Auto, but she is 19 and if you know anything at all about that game, there's a heck of a lot of humor in it. Moon Unit is particularly funny when playing games like this because she deliberately goes overboard with some of the violence in such a way that you can't help but laugh at what's going on. For instance, she kept choosing to have her character steal a scooter because she would run it into something and he would go flying into the road. I suppose if you're going to be overly serious about the game, it might not be that funny to you, but we find the humor in most things and we were all laughing our heads off. She gets a bit giddy with these things and it's just fun to watch her and laugh. Then of course, Dweezil picks up the game and is having fun with it, too. And I go, "Hmm, should I be letting him do this?" But to me, the best part of being a family is not about being a hard-ass about everything, getting down on your kids, telling them all the things they can't do. Sometimes you have to do that, of course. Sometimes you have to tell them how things are and discipline when rules are broken. But the best part is creating a loving, happy environment for them, being there for them whenever you can, and creating happy memories.

I love sitting around the dinner table with them and cracking jokes and having burping contests with Frank. I love being able to make them laugh with stuff that's just off the wall. I like the fact that when they come to our house, even if they still haven't figured out that being with us is better than being at home with their dad who yells at them all the time, they can still have a good time with us and feel loved and accepted for who they are and not get judged or yelled at, that maybe they can be inappropriate some times with the things they say or do something that maybe somewhat inappropriate for them to be doing and not get in trouble for it. Maybe I'm a little too liberal with them but their happiness is of the utmost importance to me. I want them to feel like our home is a happy home, a place where they can go and know they are loved and the world is an okay place.

Should I have been letting them play GTA? Technically, probably not. But I look at our interactions with each other and I like, for the most part, how we are with each other. I sit at the table or the sofa and watch our interactions with each other, when we're laughing and laughing and everyone is feeling good, and I think, "This is going to be so good for K. She's really going to enjoy this family." Because I enjoy this family and I wish for all the world that we were together all the time.