Cracking Parent

When I created this blog, my intention, particularly in naming the blog, was to talk about our efforts to adopt a child from foster care, to talk about being a parent, and trying to make this blog as light-hearted as possible in the process. I never guessed that Cracked Parenthood would actually wind up recording my ever rising stress levels and that the cracked part would actually be an accurate reflection of the state of my sanity.

We discovered earlier this week that Moon Unit was staying at a homeless shelter. Brad wanted to bring her home, partly for her safety but mostly out of desperation. Kismet has been having melt-downs every single day this week and Brad has been unable to get any work done. He was hoping that in bringing home Moon Unit, she would be able to help him out with Kismet, who has been unable to get through a single day at school.

Because of Brad's desperation, I sent out an email to Moon Unit to let her know she was welcome to come back home if she was willing to follow the rules and expectations laid out for her. She was very rude once again and told me she had no interest in a relationship with me. So I figured after everything I've been through with her over 20 years that I no longer had to worry about the stress she was causing in the house. But then Brad asked her to come back, without running it by me, and so she did.

Today, Kismet had the longest stress-out day. She had a huge melt-down, yelling and kicking a hole in the wall and banging on my bedroom door. We wound up having to restrain her right there in the hallway. Moon Unit came out of her bedroom, stood there for a moment until Kismet told her to go away, then she says, and I'm quoting here, "I came out to see if you guys would shut the fuck up." Yes, really! So I told her to shut the fuck up, that if she didn't like it, she could leave. So then she started asking how I'd like it if she called and reported us for child abuse. We were physically restraining a violently out of control child. I laughed at her, told her the state already knew all about Kismet and that we were not abusing her. I again told her to leave.

Both Brad and I were dumbfounded and appalled at the gall it took for this girl, who'd been living in a shelter for probably close to a week and who was allowed to come home, to come out while we're dealing with an emotionally disturbed child and tells us to shut the fuck up. Later Brad admitted that his decision to let her come home was a huge mistake. She is currently staying at Brad's brother's house for the night. I told Brad she doesn't get to come back home after what she did and he agrees.

For hours and hours, we dealt with Kismet's mood. All day long, she was stressy and for several hours, she was in major melt-down mode. And we never thought she'd settle down long enough to go to sleep. She wouldn't have, either, in spite of being given a sedative, if we hadn't finally convinced her to take her regular medication, which included sleeping pills. And she finally went to sleep.

And me? I'm starting to think this decision to bring her into our home was the biggest mistake I've ever made in my life, and that, my friends, is really saying something. I am not equipped to deal with the levels of stress she is creating in this house. We have not been given the sort of assistance that we were told and expected to get and that we probably would have received if we were just fostering rather than trying to adopt. In fact, over the last month, other than receiving a new therapist who specializes in treating RAD children, we have felt pretty close to abandoned by the group who was supposed to be helping us. I knew Kismet would be a lot of work but we were totally unprepared for what we're getting. There's no way we could have been prepared for this. And I'm trying desperately to find a way to not lose it myself. Maybe I should be taking her sedative during her melt-downs instead of her.

Moon Unit, the Wonderslug and Other Adventurous Stories

Last time on Cracked Parenthood, Moon Unit was getting sniffy about having to help out with Kismet, about being expected to reimburse insurance costs, about life in general, and had stormed out of the house and stormed back in again a few hours later.

The next night, she left again, this time with a plan to stay with a friend for a few days. I'd like to say it seemed different without her there but honestly, since she spends most of her time hiding in her bedroom, it really wasn't all that different, other than not being present during dinner and her bedroom door not being open in the evenings.

Meanwhile, Kismet had a full and complete melt-down at home the day after that, her first since moving in with us, requiring me and Brad to physically restrain her, which really should not be a good time for all and yet oddly enough, Kismet seemed to enjoy it to a certain extent, giggling several times during her restraint. She had become rather wound up during the day, wanting to go out to play in the newly fallen snow but not having proper snow clothing and having no one to play with. Being a Sunday and being Utah, her friends were unable to play with her. As the day wore on, she wound up more and more until she had her explosion that evening.

The odd thing that I don't understand about her is that when she gets wound up and starts being resistant, and particularly in melt-down mode, she doesn't even seem to be the same person. When calmed down later, she doesn't understand why she did what she did and as it happens, she seems to have little control over what she's doing. It's just one of those things that hasn't really been explained to us.

Back on the ranch, Moon Unit emailed to say she was coming back home the next day. When told we would need to discuss her plans for the future and talk about her expectations, she had an explosion herself and ranted at us in email about everything from how Brad is handling Kismet to me asking for assistance with the costs of her insurance coverage to having to help out with Kismet, claiming that Kismet was not her responsibility. So then I followed that up with "You're almost 20, you're no longer my responsibility, either." I told her she could live at home but she needed to live by the rules and do what was expected of her. She got even more mad, called us assholes and that she didn't want to be a part of our family. So I told her good luck with what she's doing and that she was welcome to come back when she wanted to follow the rules.

Honestly, as terrible as it sounds, I am incredibly relieved that she is not coming back yet. The idea of her coming back cranky was stressful. I've spent 20 stressful years with her and now that she's out, I'm not eager for her to come back. Much as I'd like to believe she'll be able to stay out there on her own, I don't think she's going to be able to. At some point, she's probably going to have to eat some humble pie and come home.

Kismet has been doing mostly okay this week but she did start to get agitated a couple times and requried a dose of medication meant specifically for when she's getting worked up. It's more or less a sedative. It's not what we really want to be doing with her but it is the best option we have right now for helping her stay in control of her emotions.

Why I'm Prematurely Losing My Hair

A lot has gone on in the last little while since I last posted. (Yes, I know I shouldn't use two "last"s right after the other that way but I'm going to claim emotional exhaustion as my excuse for doing it.) We have had some interesting times with Kismet. Interesting being probably the kindest word I can think of right now. We were all psyched up by the people who brought us Kismet, thinking that we would be dealing with random rages at home: flying furniture, holes in the wall, broken doors, screaming banshee fits, and horse heads found on our pillows when we go to bed at night (I may have made that last part up). And while it sounded a bit extreme, I thought we could handle it. After all, I had dealt with many a screaming hissy fit and broken items and bird heads on my pillow when I went to bed at night (I may have made that up, too) with Moon Unit. And yes, we have indeed had a few relatively minor tantrums here at home. I say relatively minor because compared with what I know she is capable of doing, it's relatively minor.

Instead of the huge melt-downs at home we've anticipated, we have been dealing with a resolute obstinance about returning home from various places. Twice, she was at school and had a melt-down there and refused to come home when Brad went to pick her up. Her refusals turned into stays at a short term kids' psych ward, which is exactly where she wanted to be the first time. She got to play and have group therapy and fun stuff like that. But then the next day, she wanted to come home. She stayed another a day longer than she wanted but came home pretty quickly.

The following week, EXACTLY ONE WEEK from her last stay, she had another melt-down at school and again, refused to come home. This time, she decided she wanted to go to the state hospital instead. Which she was told she couldn't do without a referral. She and Brad spent the entire day sitting around in the waiting room of an emergency room. Finally, she was taken to the kids' psych ward again. Only when she got there and got everything done for her stay, she wanted to come home. But she didn't get to. The second time, she stayed for a week. And she wasn't allowed to have fun, which resulted in melt-downs there. She had her medication adjusted and finally was released.

Today, she was supposed to start school but she wasn't able to because she needed all her shots updated and she was missing one shot. So she spent the morning with Brad and had therapy in the afternoon. When they were leaving, she once again refused to come home. Fortunately for Brad, unfortunately for Kismet, her therapy appointment was in the business office of the people who are supporting us through this mess and so they got involved. She told Brad that she wanted him to take her to the emergency room because she thought he would stay there with her all day. But she didn't get her way.

What it appears to be coming down to here is one of two things: a) she's trying to control and manipulate Brad because he's very easy on her or b) she is trying to get his undivided attention 24/7. Or both. Likely both. I have been trying to get him to realize that he's got to be tougher with her and issue consequences for poor behavior but he's been refusing. And she realizes the kinds of things she can get away with because of it. It's become a pattern of behavior now for her which needs to be halted right away. The only way that this is going to happen is for Brad to remove himself from the situation whenever possible.

While we were prepared for rampages and ultra deluxe super fantastic exciting super absorbent tantrums with wings, we weren't prepared for this sullen obstinance and refusal to come home. And this is wearing us both out. Mostly Brad because he's the one who's been with her while these things happen (because I'm at work) but also me because I know how frustrating it is for him and I also know that he isn't getting any work done when this is happening. Which means that he could lose his clients, it means he could lose money (he has, actually, been losing money), it could mean we lose our home and everything.

We will be having family therapy again this Wednesday with the therapist Kismet sees and we also have a guy who is a specialist in Reactive Attachment Disorder (which Kismet has been diagnosed with) who is supposed to come to our house once a week to work with us. Hopefully, between these therapy sessions, we can start to turn some of this behavior around before we lose our home. Wish us luck.

Three Weeks and Counting....

Now that I took the time to vent in my last post, I'm on to how Kismet has been doing up to this point in time with us. We are going on 4 weeks with her living with us this Friday. And so far, things have been going... well... not bad. From my perspective, anyway. I think from Brad's perspective, things have been kinda tough.

See, it's like this. Kismet responds much better to me than she does Brad. As she says to me, she's "more used to" me than she is Brad. While she spends far more time with Brad during the day than with me, she's not used to having a dad. She says. It's not that I doubt the veracity of this statement. I know her bio dad was not present much in her life but at the same time, she lived in a group home and a foster home and both had fathers in the house that she had to take instruction from. It feels like an excuse, honestly.

Since I'm not the one who deals with her all day long like Brad is (who is in the stay-at-home parent role and I think we all know that the stay-at-home parent gets much less respect from the kids) PLUS she's not used to having a dad, it's hard to really know what lies behind her actions, if there is any sort of sense to be had from it at all. I guess there's just so much about Reactive Attachment Disorder that we don't know or understand.

She's back in school full time this week with minimal problems. She had a few melt-downs at school her first week but after Brad spoke with the school about some of the stuff that was going on, they started handling her better in school. She put in a week of half days and has started back full time this week and so far, so good.

She's still obstinate, still has a temper that flares up on no notice at all, and still a bit sassy. But then a lot of kids are like that. So far, we've seen little of the demon child we've been warned would show her face as she started settling in and feeling safe. If anything, she has actually been a sweeter and more helpful child now that she's settling in. The only thing that seems to trigger a bad reaction in her is an unannounced change in her schedule, or, more accurately, an unannounced change in her expectations for her schedule. She does fine when she knows what to expect but does not do well when things change. We can accomodate some of that but we will need to learn how to handle the unexpected changes when they happen.